


Lovely

by miseryroot



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Aftermath of Violence, Blood and Violence, Dreams and Nightmares, Eye Trauma, F/F, Guns, Hospitalization, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Self-Harm, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24713500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miseryroot/pseuds/miseryroot
Summary: When Steven said he was sending a friend of his over to stay for a while this was not what Pearl was expecting.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Pearl (Steven Universe)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 77





	1. Preconceived Notions

Pearl set the vase of carefully arranged sea thrift and blueweeds next to the bedside table, watching them for a moment to make sure they would stay in place. Once she was certain they would she turned her attention to the quilt on the bed, walking over to it and pressing her hand down upon it, flattening down the material evenly on one side and then the other.

She checked the time. 9:25 PM. Pearl smiled nervously, moving to the small kitchenette and grabbing her purse and a set of keys. She moved towards the door quickly, exiting the mother-in-law suite adjacent to her home and locking the door behind her.

The drive to the train station was a bit long. But 40 minutes breezed by as she listened to her CD, an audiobook of a murder mystery.

_"She's missing, her blood is all over the scene with her partner's, and they are still in a coma. Yes, the case certainly is strange.. but Peggy is a dainty person. There is no way she did this. Instead of trying to assassinate her character you should be trying harder to find her, it's your job!"_

It was starting to get good just as Pearl arrived. 10:05 PM. Twenty five minutes to wait on the platform and hold her sign. "Welcome Miss Lazuli!" it read, written clearly and evenly.

Pearl didn't know anything about the woman that was about to become her neighbor really. Steven said that Lapis had blue hair and was almost as tall as Pearl herself. He had said that she might also be a bit reserved until "they warmed up to each other".

She smiled, thinking about Steven. How he stated it so simply, so convinced complete strangers would just come to get along without any doubts. She was trying to feel a fraction of how sure she imagined he did about it.

The train pulled into the station and people started piling out. Pearl held up the sign, looking for shades of blue. She beamed at a young lady with sky blue hair, and her smile was returned awkwardly until the young woman walked right past her to another group of people. Pearl's face flushed, and she turned her head back to the train to instead be met by a hooded figure with a gloved hand stretching out to grab the bottom of her sign.

She flinched, a suppression of the urge to jump, then tried to smile, "Lap-"

"Pearl." The stranger's hand gripped the bottom of her sign, hard. 

She released it and Miss Lazuli quickly began to fold it. Pearl tried not to look offended and took this time to get a look at her. Half her face was covered in bandaging. One grey eye showed, slightly puffy and red, tan skin, hair hidden by the hood of a jacket pulled tightly, lip split. Althetic shorts peaked out under the jacket, more bandaging on her legs, and a beat up pair of running shoes completed what would be an average look if not so completely suspicious. A large instrument case was on her back, a nearly equally large bag hung from her shoulder. 

"Can we go?" Miss Lazuli's voice cut through her analysis.

"Oh, yes! Yes, of course. I can take your bag for you-"

"I've got it."

Interrupted again. Pearl just nodded slowly and led this stranger to her car. Pearl put the back seat down to make room for the instrument, the bag settled beside it carefully. They got in the car and Pearl's CD started playing as they buckled up.

_"My job is also to find out what happened. There are many sides to a story beyond. I need your's. The sooner you answer my questions the sooner I can find her."_

Pearl laughed a little, slightly embarrassed of her auditory choices, switching the radio to a more standard station. She hadn't driven with someone in quite a while but she was sure this was preferable to her dramatic mystery.

They drove off into the night, streetlights illuminating a dirty yellow onto their vision of the road. The new moon amplified the impact in between lights, the road so dark without the presence of another light source.

"How was the trip?" Pearl offered.

"Long." Came the response, tired and flat.

Pearl nodded, directing the car to the turn of the coast. It was a fair response and she didn't want to press too hard. It had been a four day trip for Miss Lazuli to get here. She decided that the best course of action was to give her guest some courteous silence.

Pearl would glance at her oddly covered and bandaged passenger occasionally, in small bursts. The folded sign stuck out of her jacket pocket. Her brown nose stood out against the bandages on her face. Her gloves looked new.

Pearl tried to absorb her in small glances, not just because she was driving or because she didn't want to be rude. If she was being honest there was something creeping her out about Lapis Lazuli, and something that made her feel creepy for looking at the other woman. It felt almost like she was seeing something she shouldn't.

The bandages concerned her. Pearl wanted to assume they must be why Steven sent Miss Lazuli here, that someone had hurt her. It didn't feel quite right though, with the way this woman acted. She focused on the road and tried to clear her head of these preconceived notions.

They arrived at her home in silence. Lapis got out of the car before Pearl had even turned it off, walking to the trunk to retrieve her things. Pearl opened it for her and got out, waiting for her guest to close it before locking it.

"It's right this way, I finished cleaning it up this morning. I put a few things in the fridge but not much as I didn't really know what you'd eat. I can take you to the grocery market tomorrow." Pearl explained as she led Lapis up the hill where her home and the mother-in-law suite resided.

She unlocked the door and walked in, setting the key on the counter, then watched as Lapis entered the room and looked around. The only descriptive factor that matched Steven's description was that Miss Lazuli was not much shorter than her, until she saw the hood come down and reveal inky blue hair.

Pearl felt a bit more relieved to have another identifying feature match to the absolute stranger she was letting live in her backyard at the request of a teenager. She diverted her gaze to the clock on the wall. 11:03 PM.

"I'll leave the key here. I would stay to talk longer but you must be exhausted. I'll come check on you in the afternoon." Pearl smiled slightly and walked over to the still open door.

"Okay." Lapis said, walking behind her with an uncomfortable look on her face. Just as Pearl was about to ask what was wrong the woman before her followed up with a tense, "Thank you.", before closing the door quickly.

Pearl stood outside the door for a moment, then took a step back and turned towards her home, pulling out her set of house keys. She unlocked her door and looked back at the mother-in-law suite just in time to meet Lapis' gaze as she closed the blinds.


	2. Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for graphic descriptions of injuries, self harm, and eye trauma.
> 
> The tags have been updated and will continue to be updated as the story progresses. Please be aware of this and take care of yourselves as needed.

Lapis locked the front door and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly before grabbing her cello case and her bag. She walked over to both of the doors inside her new living space. A room and a bathroom. 

She opened the first, eying the bathroom suspiciously, but left it alone upon seeing the shower curtain was pulled back. She turned her attention to the other door, opening it, flicking the light on, and entering slowly with her back to the wall.

Her eyes shifted from corner to corner and she set down her bags. To her relief the blinds were already closed. She approached the sliding door of the closet, scowling at the mirrored surfaces but pushing it open and checking it thoroughly. When she finished she crawled under the bed and checked there too.

Nothing. She laid there for a moment, under that bed frame, breathing slowly and trying to still her heartrate as well as her nerves.

She crawled back out, her body sluggish and reluctant to do so after having felt the grounding sensation of the floor beneath it. It had been days since she had been able to actually lay down.

Lapis eyed her reflection in the sliding glass doors. She knew she wasn't going to like having them there as soon as she'd seen them. But they did give her a good opportunity to assess the damage to her body fully.

She stared at her gray eye before peeling at the gauze tape and bandages that covered the other. She fought the urge to bite through her split lip at the sight. Yellow spotted deep purple, hues of green, and her eye.. 

She could feel the blood pour out of her lip as her teeth dug into it, warm and sticky as she looked at her swollen, partially beet red eye. The tears that sprouted up and ran down her cheeks felt hotter than the blood.

Lapis's nose and throat burned as she tried to stop herself from crying and she violently clawed at the zipper of her jacket, ripping it down and grabbing her neck. Flecks and patches of purple among a yellow-green and brown, a running theme on her brutalized body.

The sob that she heard escape her mouth didn't match the rage that circulated through her body, slamming out of her heart and running through her brain. Bruises on her neck, her chest, her stomach. There were purple spots that she recognized she as thumbs and knuckles.

"No permanent damage." She muttered, shaking hands grazing the gun holster strapped around her stomach and then her broken ribs, tracing the bandaging covering mostly swallow cuts on her lower abdomen much like the ones on her arms and legs.

_"You're very fortunate you don't need any casts or surgeries. We gave you some stitches on the deeper abrasions and set your bones. There should be no permanent damage as far as we can tell. Go home and rest.. and come back if you feel any changes, there could be a risk of internal bleeding we couldn't detect."_

The doctor's words rang through her head, interrupting the sound of her erratic breathing and sputtered cries as she undid every bandage.

She felt like puking seeing it all. She hadn't seen the totality of the damage in five days. Not since the day it happened. She hadn't had the chance to in bus station or train bathrooms. She'd treated the wounds individually, sometimes hours apart.

In that way she could try to treat this body like pieces instead of like a whole. She could pretend that it wasn't that bad. She had numbed herself to the truth, and out there she could.

Out there it was loud and it was fast and she was running. But here it was so quiet. There was no where to go. Now she had to sit in this skin, to stop her teeth from biting through her lip, to see through the tears and the pain, to pull her bag to her.

She grabbed the first aid kit out of it and stumbled into the bathroom. She sat on the counter and ran the sink, washing the blood off her lip and chin. She took a few pills to stop what was beginning as an ache but she knew would become searing pain if she didn't beat it to the punch. She undid the band on the holster, setting it and the weapon inside it on the counter. The sound of the water made her eyelids feel heavier.

Her anger was draining energy that she didn't even have to expend, but still it flared every time she saw her eyes, the stitches on her body, the purple fingerprints.

_"You deserve it, you deserve worse!"_

Her heart slammed against her chest as she jerked her head around wildly, searching for the source of this familiar voice, one hand gripping on to the counter as she felt herself slipping off. The other grabbed for the gun.

No one, there was no one there. Just like all the other times. She looked at the mirror, at her own terrified expression before the corners of her mouth curled up into an open mouthed grin. She couldn't tell if the sound coming out was laughter or cries. It felt like both.

"No permentant damage!" Lapis sneered, getting closer to her reflection to whisper, "You deserve worse."

She pressed her forehead against the glass and closed her eyes for a moment. Exhaustion hit her again. The sound of the water rushed on and her consciousness was starting to go down the drain with it.

Lapis cleaned her face of the tears and blew her nose then turned the faucet off followed by the light. She trudged back to the room with the gun in hand and settled her body on the bed.

When she woke up the first thing she saw was the outline of dying daylight broken up by blinds and an arrangement of blueweeds and sea thrift.


	3. Unaccording To Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember to check the tags for trigger warnings, they change as the story progresses. Let me know if I forgot to tag something and I apologize in advance if I did.

Pearl paced back and forth in her kitchen, gripping onto her phone. She had tried to get through to Steven in the morning, but he didn't pick up. She had no choice other than to leave him a voicemail informing him Lapis got there, asking him what was going on, and telling him to call her back when he could. Now she was trying to convince herself to not call him again, not wanting to be too bothersome since he was clearly busy.

She looked out her window at the small housing unit, then looked at the clock and sighed. She had gone and knocked on the door at noon but there was no answer. It was almost 4:00 PM now and she hadn't seen hide nor hair of her mysterious guest.

It was rude to not follow through on plans, wasn't it? Maybe Pearl was wrong to suggest they go to the market. Maybe something happened. She pulled at her fingers nervously, thinking about all those bandaids. Pearl shook her head, attempting to rationalize that everything was fine. That perhaps Lapis just needed more time to settle in and rest after travelling for days on end, going from bus to train to bus and so on.

Pearl really wished Steven would have answered the phone. She didn't know what to do about the strange woman now living in her back yard, long term or short. The only thing she could think of was to make dinner. Eventually they would both need to eat. 

It wasn't until two hours later that she would hear the familiar sound of knocking. Pearl stopped stirring her batch of soup and wiped her hands on her apron as she walked to the back door and looked out the peephole.

Lapis Lazuli stood there, engulfed in a hooded sweater. A scarf wrapped around her neck, bandages on her face, her hands stuffed into the big pocket on the front of her sweater as she stared blankly forward. Pearl opened the door quickly upon realizing how cold it must be.

"Come in, come in. I made dinner." Pearl gave her a dry smile, moving to the side to let Lapis past her.

Lapis didn't seem to be in a rush though, looking into the house and gazing around before walking in slowly. She closed the door behind her and turned to Pearl, "I guess I slept through the whole day."

"Yes, well it's not very shocking considering your long trip. I shouldn't have recommended we go out so soon after you got here." Pearl let out a laugh for show and waved it off with her hand.

She expected that to relax Lapis but it didn't. Pearl felt like this woman's uncovered eye was peering into her with the intensity to which she stared. But Lapis's gaze declined with a slow nod of her head, "I'm glad you understand."

"S-sure.." Pearl felt uncomfortable, turning her gaze down toward the floor. Lapis's legs were still bandaged. It was becoming increasingly bothersome to have no idea what happened. Hopefully Steven would call her back and shed some more light on the situation.

"What did you make?" Lapis's voice breached her thoughts and Pearl's face flushed with embarrassment upon realizing that she's been staring at this woman's legs silently for way longer than she should have.

"C-Chicken soup! Go on and have a seat, I'll bring it to the table." Pearl forced another smile and turned to walk away from this odd situation as quickly as possible, hopeful that Lapis would just ignore it.

She turned off the stove and ladled the soup into two bowls. She brought them over to the table carefully, setting one down in front of Lapis and the other across from her at the small dining table. 

Pearl took her seat and they ate in complete silence. Lapis ate very quickly, then stared out the front window at the view of the beach while Pearl finished. They brought their dishes to the sink and Pearl insisted on washing them, telling Lapis to relax in the living room.

Lapis looked reluctant to do any of that, her eyes practically reached for the door but she walked over to the couch with a stiff, "Okay."

Pearl let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in as she washed and dried the dishes. This was so uncomfortable. She needed to get to know this person though. Steven had asked Pearl to help Lapis while she stayed there. They couldn't stay strangers if she was going to do that.

She plastered a smile on her face after she put the dishes on the rack to dry, walking into the living room and sitting across from Lapis.

"Sooo.. Where are you from?" Pearl asked.

"The other coast." Lapis responded, staring out the window yet again before turning her focus to Pearl, "I assume you're from here."

"Ah, yes. How did you know?" Pearl returned the eye contact, trying to keep her smile up.

"Your home seems older and there are minimal renovations. Most people will make changes to houses if they try to sell them to appeal to a new generation. Remove wall paper, install a dishwasher." Lapis shrugged, grabbing a decorative pillow and holding it to her stomach.

"I did change the wallpaper. My grandmother thought dishwashers were unnecessarily loud. I'm inclined to agree." Pearl's smile relaxed into a more natural one, "I inherited the home when she passed. I thought about selling it, but Steven's mother was pregnant and she thought it would be nice to raise him back home."

Lapis nodded her head, petting the pillow slowly, "How are you related to Steven?"

"I was in a relationship with his mother." Pearl replied, leaning back into the couch, preparing herself to have this conversation once again, "Greg and I raised Steven after Rose passed away."

"Oh." Lapis looked perplexed for a moment, but then returned to petting the pillow in her grasp, "So you are dating Greg?"

Pearl laughed and shook her head, relaxing more at Lapis's calm deductive reasoning, "No, I was only dating Rose. We were a bit complicated."

"Relationships often are."

Pearl paused for a moment before committing to asking her next question, "How about you? Any complicated relationships?"

She watched as Lapis's facial expression changed. For a moment Pearl thought she looked upset then angry but in the end Lapis's eyebrows softened and a small smile came to her face.

Lapis lifted the back of her hand up, revealing a pale spot on her ring finger amongst her bandaids, "Not anymore. Officially divorced as of six days ago. You're the first person I've gotten to tell."

Pearl leaned forward and looked at this woman a bit harder. Her brown skin, inky blue hair, her grey eye with the skin crinkled in the corner, and most of all the soft smile on her face marred only by her split lip. Seeing her like this made Pearl think Lapis was actually quite pretty. Pearl guessed that she had been this whole time, but it was hard to see her and think that with all these bandages.

"Congratulations." Pearl returned the smile, "You seem very happy about it."

Lapis's smile dropped slowly, and she cradled her hand against the pillow. She rubbed her ring finger with her thumb, "It's relieving that it's over. We were separated for a while but kept finding a way back together. I still miss her but.. we really brought out the worst in each other. Now we're finally free."

"What would you like to do with your new found freedom?" Pearl asked, "To celebrate."

Lapis pondered on it for a moment then looked out the window, "I want to go to the beach."

"Alright, let's go." Pearl got up and then offered Lapis her hand. She was glad to see Lapis grin and take it, pulling herself up and ditching the pillow. Pearl turned the front light on and let go of Lapis's hand as they stepped outside.

The lanterns took a moment to flicker to life, illuminating the deck and the stairs that led down to the beach. Pearl followed an enthusiastic Lapis down the steps. They walked along the beach together, the wind pushed against them as they carried on, only turning back when the tide began to rise too high.

Lapis said she wanted to stay a little longer and Pearl agreed. She found herself watching Lapis while she looked out at the water. She seemed so happy doing it that Pearl looked out too. It was a beautiful view but it had been lost on her as of late. Pearl's eyes moved skyward and she let out a sigh at the thought of needing to appreciate things more, feeling the chill of the night digging into her skin while she stared at the stars.

Then she heard a yell. Pearl gasped and looked over to where Lapis was before but she wasn't there anymore. Ten steps away from there Lapis was on the ground, struggling to get up. The waves licked at her legs, soaking her feet and bandages.

Pearl rushed over to her quickly, "What happened?!"

"I slipped." Lapis sounded mad, and she tried to push herself up again, hissing in pain as she tried to get up onto her feet.

"Wait, I'll help!" Pearl said quickly as Lapis tried to pull herself up with the help of a rock but collapsed back down when she tried to put pressure on her foot. Pearl lurched forward to catch Lapis before she landed. She felt Lapis's hands reach up and push against her shoulders, she heard the enraged protests to be lettin go of. 

So Pearl did. She lowered Lapis onto the ground carefully, then sat down next to her on the cold wet rocks and the sand. Pearl watched Lapis's hands shake, watched her bring one hand to her mouth and bite down on her fingertips. Pearl looked away. Is that where the bandages came from? Had she done all of this to herself?

"I can help. I don't think you can stand. I can carry you back up the stairs and we can see what's wrong inside." Pearl said after a few minutes, making sure she sounded very calm before looking at Lapis again.

Lapis was covering her face with her hands, letting out small grunts of pain as she tried to move her left foot before giving up with a resigned, "Okay."

Pearl got on up on her haunches, putting an arm under Lapis's knees and the other around her back, lifting up slowly before asking Lapis to hold on around her neck.

Lapis sighed, but did so tensely as Pearl began to walk them back toward the house and up the steps slowly. She had Lapis open the door and once they got inside she set her injured guest down on the couch. Lapis's legs were scraped up from sliding across the slick rocks and there was a little bit of blood coming out from one of the bandaids on the hand she bit.

"I'm going to grab the first aid kit." Pearl said, rushing to the kitchen, pulling the tin of medicial supplies out of the cabinet. She grabbed an ice pack and returned.

"So much for celebrating." She heard Lapis mutter. 

"You know what they say about having too much fun." Pearl offered with a weak smile. She was relieved to see the bandaid that was bleeding only had a small cut under it, which she disinfected and compressed to stop the light bleeding before putting another bandaid on. Unfortunately the rest of the bandaging had gotten wet while they had sat in the sand. She began to remove the bandaids in the middle of Lapis's fingers, as she took off the second she was bewildered to see the cuts align with each other perfectly. They were scabbed, only small stitches disrupted how even they were.

"Could you check my foot?" Lapis asked, interrupting Pearl from removing the rest.

"Oh of course!"

Pearl pulled off the wet shoes and socks much to Lapis's discomfort though she tried to be careful. There was a big yellow bruise around one of her ankles and that foot had two toes wrapped together with medical tape. The other ankle looked kinda swollen and when Pearl tried to move it a bit Lapis groaned.

Pearl propped Lapis's leg up on a pillow as carefully as she could and set the cold pack onto her ankle. Just as she started to remove the wet bandages that were on Lapis's legs the phone rang.

"You should get it." Lapis said, looking away from Pearl as she cut away the first bandage.

"The machine can get it, we need to get you cleaned up." Pearl rebuffed listening to the rings as the scissors revealed the carefully stitched together skin below. She blanched at the size of the slice, but tried to keep a calm look on her face as she began to undo another bandage.

"The wounds won't go anywhere." Lapis insisted as the ringing went on and on.

"We don't want to give them the time to get infected." Pearl held steadfast, revealing another slice, this one smaller and scabbed over.

The automated voice on the voice started up, "Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name, number, and brief message after the tone, and I'll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice day."

"Pearl! I'm so glad Lapis got there safe! I'm sorry I couldn't call you earlier, we're trying to fix the van and with Dad's foot broken it's a lot harder than it already was without you." Steven sounded tired. It made Pearl want to send him to bed and her heart felt tight.

"I know you're concerned and you want to know what happened.. but it's really hard to say. When Dad and I got there.." His voice wavered and Pearl looked at Lapis but she was staring intently down at her hands, "W-We could hear her screaming a-and Dad laid down on the horn and turned the high beams on the windows.. We saw a someone run past the window and Dad ran into her house with the bat.."

"I-I was supposed to stay in the car.." Steven sounded like he was going to cry and Lapis's hands were shaking but Pearl couldn't take back not getting up to answer the phone now, "But I couldn't! I ran in a-and she was so hurt Pearl.. Someone attacked her a-and the hospital said she shouldn't be alone. I wanted her to be safe so.. I sent her to you."

Pearl could hear him sniffling. She felt helpless and guilty. She sent him out into the world to have a fun trip with his father and this is what he saw. She'd expected for bad things to happen. She hadn't expected him to walk into a crime scene. Pearl couldn't stop herself from running over and picking up the phone.

"Steven, I'm here." It was all Pearl could think to say. She heard a sob bubble up from across the line. He was really crying now and all she could do was give him simple the reassurance that, "It's okay now. It's over."

He calmed down slowly and she could hear him taking deep breaths to collect himself before he asked, "Is she doing okay?"

"She's okay. We went to the beach and she had a small fall. I'm going to take her to the hospital just in case." Pearl reassured him, trying to sound as soothing as she could over the phone.

"Hey Schtu-ball! I got our burgers!" Greg's voice called out.

"Sounds like it's time for dinner. We can talk tomorrow, okay? I'll call you." Pearl offered.

"Okay. Tell Lapis I said hi. I love you." Steven replied.

"I will. I love you too." Pearl waited until he hung up. She set the phone down and walked back over to Lapis.

Pearl took a deep breath and started to cut away the bandages once again. Somehow these wounds seemed bigger now, the faded bruises surrounding them looked deeper. She didn't want to look at them. She didn't want to look at Lapis at all.

"He told me to say hi for him." Pearl muttered, fulfilling her obligation. She knew it wasn't fair, but in this moment Pearl blamed Lapis for Steven being hurt. If he had never known her then Steven wouldn't be going through this. He was only thirteen and he was such a kind, compassionate boy. Pearl never wanted him to have to witness violence like that, so she couldn't stop herself from blaming Lapis and blaming herself from letting her son go on this ridiculous trip.

But then Lapis spoke and it sounded so very pained, "Do you think he'll be able to forget what happened?"

As she rose her head Pearl could see Lapis's shoulders shaking and the tears running down her face dampened Pearl's rage.

Pearl pursed her lips and shook her head slowly, her brows creasing sadly as her response only inspired more tears. She reached out her hand and set it on top of Lapis's.

"It'll be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to Ana Alice and El-anit for commenting, as well as all the people that left kudos!


	4. Reckless Repercussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to check the tags! Thanks again for the comments, everyone!

Everything hurt. Lapis's foot, her stomach, her chest, her hands, her eye, everything. The painkillers were wearing off more and more, and she hadn't grabbed her's before they left. It felt increasingly difficult to breathe and to focus. In turn, this made it much harder to relax, no matter how much she tried. She wanted to seem normal, she was trying so hard to portray herself as calm, even in this place where she knew they would poke and prod at her. She wanted to be above her fear.

Lapis watched Pearl's tired face as they waited to be called for by a nurse as she fidgetted with the wheels of an old wheelchair Pearl had put her in. It was the only way to get her down the hill to the car. She couldn't walk on her own anyways and this was preferable to being touched. 

Her skin crawled thinking about how Pearl had picked her up, carried her, tried to mend her legs and her hands. Lapis was glad she'd stopped it there, was able to fix up her fingers herself while Pearl searched for the wheelchair. She felt repulsed, so tired of being touched when she didn't want to be, looked at when she didn't want to be.

She was so sick of having her control peeled away bit by bit. She didn't want this woman to have this visual aid of what happened to her body, the bandages were humiliating enough. Looking like this was a punishment in and of itself, another thing she couldn't control, only mask, and on top of it all off Pearl had seen her cry. She couldn't hide anything, even her emotions. Lapis took deep breaths as she felt her anger flaring up again.

"Are you okay?" Pearl asked, raising her head from the magazine she was thumbing through.

"Yeah." Lapis replied, looking away to hopefully end any chance of conversation. The less she said the better, she needed to get herself together. It was too bad, for a moment there she thought maybe she could like Pearl, at least for however long she needed to hide away from the world. She wasn't so sure now.

Lapis thought it was safe to confide in her a bit, lulled into a passive state by Pearl's open conversation. She had been intoxicated by the feeling of being unknown. Lapis closed her eyes and gripped the wheels tight. Being able to wear that mask felt good. Just a divorcee from the western coast. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the complicated truth. She wasn't sure that's who she was or could be anymore. It was the person she was trying so hard to be before that night she-

"Lapis Lazuli?" Finally, the nurse. Lapis began wheeling over to him quickly, refusing to look back at Pearl. She didn't want it to seem like she was extending an invitation to come with, and she needed some time away from Pearl anyways.

The nurse led her back to the exam rooms, "Dr. Maheswaran is reading your files, she wants to get some x-rays done while she's finishing up. Please tell me any additional concerns you have."

"My biggest concern right now is that my painkillers are wearing off and I'm going to be prodded by a bunch of strangers." Lapis grumbled as the nurse led her into the x-ray room.

"I'll request a few of whatever you're prescribed after I confirm with your files." The nurse placated her before the x-ray tech introduced herself, then walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Lapis stared blankly at the new medical professional in front of her, trying to numb herself to this reality. She'd just done all of this almost a week ago now, it was much more agitating this time now that she was more of a conscious participant. Lapis pulled her sweater and shirt off as the tech requested it, unraveled the bandages on her stomach. She squirmed as this stranger helped her onto the table, then held her breath as instructed while they snapped pictures of her insides.

Lapis hadn't hated hospitals before all of this but now she believed she did. Maybe it wasn't the hospital. Maybe it was grotesque feeling worming around in her stomach and throat, or the way she could feel her body scream in panic and rage every time they touched her.

They told her she could breathe again, then took the scan of her foot. The tech helped her back into the chair and she pulled her shirt back on. She felt like screaming when they grabbed the handles on the back on her chair and wheeled her out and down the hall, into another dreary-looking room. Instead, she grit her teeth and trained her eyes onto the ground, agitated at the nerve they had to just wheel her around without even a warning.

Lapis was doing her very best to keep her exterior self collected and it was a little easier to do once that nurse brought her a dose of all the pills they'd prescribed her at the last hospital, but her nerves spiked back up as the nurse asked to examine her body. He tried to smile at her sympathetically as she grimaced, asking her to undress so they could assess her progress fully.

"It'll be good to have it documented too. For the courts." His tone was so encouraging, so well-intending, "I can help you with your clothes if you need."

"I'll do my best first." Lapis couldn't bring herself to soften the scowl she returned this nurse's behavior with as she took the hospital gown from the nurse and waited for him to close the curtain.

Lapis pressed the cloth against her mouth and nose for a moment, holding it there gently as she watched the curtain sway. Her body wanted to cry, her throat hurt as she caught the sobs in it while she pulled off her sweater again, then her shirt. 

They don't tell you that after you're attacked by another person you'll feel uncomfortable in your flesh and with other people seeing it. There's a lot of things they don't discuss when you've been beaten. But her ribs told her it could happen again, her shaking hands told her she was weak. Her body wailed, a chorus of damaged nerves telling her exactly how broken she is.

Lapis's breathing picked up, tears stinging her eyes as she unbuttoned her shorts and tried to figure out how to get them off in this chair. She rocked side to side, clenching her teeth and grunting in pain, pulling at her bottom's desperately until they finally gave way with her underwear. That hung around the bottom of her knees almost mockingly. 

That familiar feeling of anger bubbled up and she grabbed the hospital gown she'd set on the table next to her and pulled it down to her waist before grabbing onto the hard plastic of the table and trying indignantly to pull herself up on her good foot, but let out a whimper as she quickly lost balance.

She slammed her hands against the ground as her knees crashed onto the linoleum, her bad ankle contorted and her head hit the side of the table. Lapis didn't recognize the shriek as it left her mouth. Her vision was fuzzy, but she saw someone pull the curtain back. She wasn't sure it was the nurse and the last thing she remembered feeling was fear.

_Lapis' eyes blinked open and she sat up, looking around. She saw empty soda cans on the coffee table, a GameCube and TV set up beyond that. She could hear a nasally voice coming from the next room. She looked down at her body to see no scars, no bruises, and no bandages. Lapis smiled, relaxing back into the couch to curl up and yawn. She listened to Peridot's footsteps rising and falling as she approached._

_"Good, you're up."_

_"No, I'm not." Lapis mumbled, reaching for the bottom of Peridot's shirt, tugging on it then letting go and patting the couch._

_Peridot frowned, but Lapis just patted the couch again and she reluctantly sat. Lapis closed her eyes as one of Peridot's hands ran through her hair. It felt so good here._

_"Was it that bad Lapis?"_

_Lapis scowled, the simple mention causing the scars on her hands to return, "I don't want to talk about it."_

_"You have to talk to someone and I don't see anyone else around. Come on, you've been here for days."_

__

__

_"Look, I don't even want to think about it." Lapis sighed, "I can't stop thinking about it, but I also don't want to stop trying to distract my mind from it. Does that make sense?"_

_"I'm worried. I got your call about the store and to grab your mail, but you didn't say what happened. There was blood on the floor when I went inside. You won't answer your phone, you have to know I've been calling."_

_"It's not on.." Lapis admitted, curling in on herself tighter, covering her eyes with her hands._

_"It's been over a week." Peridot muttered, stopping her hand and resting it on Lapis's head._

_"Just stop, okay?" The growl oozed out of Lapis's chest, "Can't I just be with you?! I came here because I wanted to feel safe!"_

_"Safe, huh?"_

_Lapis froze, heart pounding. She wanted to move her hands and peek, but fear had a hold of her just like the hand balled up into a fist in her hair._

_It wasn't Peridot's voice, this wasn't her hand. Lapis felt tears pricking at her eyes as something cold and sharp pressed against her throat._

_"Who said you get to feel safe?"_

Lapis awoke with a scream, that and a monitor going ballistic at her heart rate, and one scream turned into another when she tried to move and found her hands and legs strapped down.

Nurses rushed in, one tried to calm her to no avail as she yelled at them to free her while the other checked her chart, ran back out then rushed back in with bottles and needles. That second nurse grabbed a tube coming out of Lapis' arm and started injecting her. The nurse was saying what it was but Lapis couldn't hear her, she couldn't hear anything. Her thoughts were rushing and she wanted to run, but she couldn't no matter how much she struggled.

"Get me out of these! Let me go! Let me.. go! Take them off.." Lapis's yells grew weaker and her thoughts slowed, her breathing felt shallow and painful. 

The nurses were talking to her, telling her she fell and her broken rib had punctured her lung. They told her they had to put a tube in her chest, they showed it to her, warned her not to agitated it. 

They said she'd been asleep for a few days now. One of them left to get the doctor, the other told her that the woman she came in with had come every day to see if Lapis could get visitors yet as she undid the restraints around Lapis' legs.

Lapis thought about Pearl, furrowing her brows, "She's here today, now?"

Her voice sounded far away and slowed down, as dulled down as her thoughts felt. The nurse said she would go check and, "Do you want me to tell her to come up after you see Dr. Maheswaran?"

Lapis groaned and went to move her hand to her face, but felt it stuck in place. She could hear her heart rate pick up on the machine and fall back down.

"Yeah, but let me out of these first." Lapis insisted, pulling against the hand restraints a bit.

"I don't know if I-"

"Go ahead." A woman with a lab coat said as she walked in, "Lapis Lazuli, I am Doctor Maheswaran. It's good to finally meet you."

"It's good that one of us feels that way." Lapis retorted as the nurse undid the bindings.

"Are you afraid of hospitals Miss Lazuli?"

"No, I think I've got more of a fear of being strapped down to beds in unfamiliar places." Lapis grumbled, rubbing her wrist and looking over the tube in her upper arm.

"I see you have a small sense of humor. That's good, patients need that." Dr. Maheswaran smiled, making a quick note in the chart she held.

"I'm pretty sure it's the drugs."

"Well, patients often need those too." Dr. Maheswaran walked closer to Lapis slowly, "Miss Lazuli, you have a very extensive amount of injuries. Because of this, I'm sure your hospital back home told you that you needed to rest. Instead, you came across the country and injured yourself further. I'm not happy that you punctured your lung, but I am happy to have a reason to keep you here and make sure you heal. We're going to monitor your recovery and I'm ordering a psychiatric evaluation."

"Excuse me?" Lapis narrowed her eyes, agitation knawing at the artificial peace the drugs were giving her, "Evaluation?"

"You were attacked and your response was to go across the country. Does that seem like sound judgment to you?"

"You don't understand-"

"I don't. I'm a specialist on the body, not the mind, and I've never been through whatever you have." Dr. Maheswaran spoke tenderly, "That's why I think that talking to someone who can better understand will be good for you."

Lapis couldn't say anything back to that. It felt hard to be frustrated with the consequences of her own actions, to be unable to argue. But she was stuck in this room and in the result of her rushed decisions. Her hands balled up into fists and at that moment she'd noticed the bandages were all gone.

"I'm going to let you absorb everything, I'll come to check in with you again tomorrow." 

Lapis stared at her arms, at the bruises that were almost completely faded and the cuts that weren't as red anymore. She brought her right hand up to cover her right eye, wondering how different it looked now too. She laid there, feeling bare with all these cuts she'd tried so hard to keep covered completely exposed.


	5. Ebb and Flow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment and kudo if you like it! Thanks to everyone who has, it's nice to see when people enjoyed reading it.

Pearl was surprised when she saw Lapis's uncovered face. She knew she shouldn't have been, Pearl knew that of course there was a whole face under the bandages, logically. She just hadn't been able to imagine one. The Lapis in her mind was confusing and obstructed, and even her physical appearance had lent a hand to that.

Now Lapis was exposed and Pearl could see her fully for the first time, but just like the night they met, she felt like she should look away. Like she was seeing something she shouldn't. Though here she was, observing Lapis again.

"Is it that bad?" Lapis's voice sounded so tired, raising her hand to prod at the skin around her eyes.

"I've seen worse." Pearl tried to smile, "You know, you kind of look healthier. Different though."

"Different from what?" Her nose scrunched up but her hand dropped from her face.

"I don't know. It kind of feels like I'm actually seeing you for the first time." Pearl admitted, "A more complete image of you."

"You've never seen me, you're still not seeing me. This isn't what I am." Lapis's fists clenched and she sounded so mad. Pearl pursed her lips, looking away like she had felt she should have in the beginning. This tone was so familiar to Pearl. Cold, coming from an anger deep down inside. She'd used it herself more times then she could count.

"It's who you are in this moment." Pearl sat up straight and turned her head to look Lapis Lazuli dead in the eyes, "There's nothing wrong with that. You can be as angry as you want, that's okay too."

"Do you have any idea what living in this moment feels like?" Lapis snapped, a hateful look in her eyes but Pearl refused to look away.

"No, but I know what it's like to have to figure out how to live after something horrible changes everything." Pearl replied.

Lapis turned her head and looked down at her hands, "If you know so much why don't you tell me how it's going to work now? What am I supposed to do?"

"All you have to do is just keep going." Pearl sighed, "It's been hard already, hasn't it? Every path in life is full of wars and we just keep fighting. This battle might be the hardest so far, but it's still just another duel."

"All of this doesn't show you how much I've lost?" Lapis gestured to the hospital room, the tubes and monitors, and finally herself.

Pearl shook her head, "It doesn't matter how much you lose. The war hasn't ended."

A knock at the door ended their meeting, a nurse rolling in a tray with food and pills telling Pearl visiting hours were over soon.

"I'll be back tomorrow around noon."

Lapis scowled at her and said nothing.

‐‐--------------------

Pearl looked through her hall closet at the game and puzzles stored there. She thought maybe an activity would ease the tension today. The problem was that she still didn't know Lapis, and the array of options was not helping in making a perfect choice. Her phone began to ring and she welcomed the distraction once she saw that it was Steven, greeting him warmly but with suspicion, "Steven! It's lovely to hear from you! But what are you doing up so early?"

"Dad's eager to get on the road now that the van's fixed. He said it's time to return to the road and cruise into new experiences." Steven yawned, "We're going to get fresh donuts on the way out of town. How are you and Lapis doing?"

"Donuts are not a balanced meal, Steven." Pearl rebuffed, avoiding the question and managing to get some mothering in at the same time.

"We will have a very balanced lunch and dinner, I'll make sure of it. So tell me how the visit went yesterday." Steven insisted.

"She looks healthier and it seems like the hospital stay will be good." Pearl started, unsure how she wanted to proceed with explaining their interaction yesterday, "She's a bit.. challenging to talk to."

"Dad said that in the beginning too. Well, he said she was super mean. But they warmed up to each other! Lapis will come around, she just needs time." Steven paused, "Are you going to visit today?"

"Yes, in a few hours. I'm trying to figure out a puzzle to bring. Do you have any ideas?" Pearl asked.

"You should bring the starfish puzzle. Oh, and my little keyboard! Lapis would love that!" Steven sounded excited and it made Pearl smile to know that he was feeling better. He'd had a hard time when she told him Lapis was staying in the hospital and no one could see her.

"Okay Steven, I will. I should get ready. Text me when you get to where you're staying, brush your teeth after the donuts, and remember the balanced meals!"

Steven laughed, "I know to brush my teeth, I'm not a little kid anymore. I'll text you when we get to the motel. Are we still on for movie Monday?"

"I'll be ready with the DVD in hand." Pearl replied, "I love you, Steven."

"Love you too Pearl."

She waited until he hung up and her heart ached when he did. Pearl loved talking to him, but it was hard to hear his voice and know he still wouldn't be home for a while. Speaking to him made her realize again how empty the house was now, how lonely she really felt in his absence.

Pearl grabbed the puzzle, closed the closet, and began walking to Steven's room. Her eyes roamed along the photos on the walls of the hallway. Most of the pictures were of Steven growing up, a few of her grandmother, a couple of pictures of her with Rose and their friends, some with Greg and Steven, and one of her mother. Pearl stopped and stared at that one for a while. The resemblance was evident, though her mother was softer even in their shared features. The older Pearl got the more she would find herself wondering what her mother would have looked like now. 

She sighed and looked at a picture of Rose, "Is Steven going to feel the same way about you one day?". Pearl closed her eyes and tried to imagine what Rose would say.

_"Probably, but you could theorize together! One of the benefits of having another mother."_ Ever the optimist, _"What do you think I'd look like?"_

In her imagination she could brush the curls behind Rose's ear and smile up at her like she could at this photo, "Hmm.. A classic beauty."

She could hear Rose's laughter, a soundtrack so clear in her memory even fourteen years after she'd last heard it. It tugged at her heart and she tried to keep her smile, tried to keep the memory precious, and not live in the pain of grieving over her Rose. She stroked the edge of the picture frame with her thumb before walking away.

‐‐--------------------

Pearl anticipated the tension before she even walked into Lapis’s hospital room, though she'd resolved not to bring up their discussion last time and just let it go. She hadn’t anticipated someone else being there. A woman a bit older than them, she wondered if this could be a guest but then saw the clipboard and pen and realized she was just another doctor.

“Oh good, you do have someone here. Support is important, Miss Lazuli.” The woman spoke, turning away from Lapis, “I’ll think about what we discussed and get back to you.”

Pearl frowned, watching her leave before walking over to Lapis’s bedside, sitting in the chair beside it, and setting her beach bag down on the ground, “Did I come at a bad time?”

Lapis sighed and shook her head, “No, you saved me. I’m exhausted.” She seemed it, with her slumped shoulders and voice hushed, even her signature direct eye contact didn’t seem as intense.

“You should eat your lunch.” Pearl suggested, pointing at the tray on the wheeled table that appeared to have been pushed away from the bed at an awkward angle.

Lapis stared at it then reached up and pulled it closer, grabbing the jello and spoon then pulling the plastic off, “What are you, my mother?”

Pearl scoffed, “Hardly. I’m someone here.. like she said. She’s a doctor, right? She doesn’t look like the rest of them.”

Lapis swallowed a big chunk of jello and gave a nod, “Yeah, she’s a psyche doctor. They’re concerned that I am unstable, a danger to myself or others.”

“Are you a danger?” Pearl went pale as soon as she’d blurted the question into existence. She wanted to know the answer, had actually been extremely concerned about it ever since Lapis had shown up, even though she didn’t want to feel that way. How could she ask that, knowing Lapis had been attacked? 

Pearl felt sick, queasy from having asked, and the eye contact had become intense though Lapis was entirely silent, her expression becoming extremely serious she still wasn’t saying anything. Finally, she looked away from Pearl and began jabbing her jello with the spoon in her grip.

“I don’t know.” Lapis mumbled, turning her head back to Pearl and forcing a laugh, “I mean I did break Greg’s leg.”

“You what?” Pearl’s eyes widened, she could feel her heart rate increasing.

“Yeah, it was an accident.. In my music shop. I thought he was stealing one of my guitars, I kicked a box out in front of him. Did Steven not tell you what happened?” Lapis looked confused, Pearl felt confused until she calmed down and thought everything through.

“Oh.. You’re the music shop owner. I hadn’t made the connection.. Wait, he said your name was Emerson?”

“That was me. Mrs. Emerson. I took my wife’s last name when I got married, it's on my nametag at the shop.” Lapis looked down at her ring finger and frowned. Pearl felt like she was saying all the wrong things today.

“You let them stay at your place when they couldn’t find anywhere to stay.” Pearl smiled, but then it dropped at another sudden realization, “Oh my god they could have been there when it happened.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know I was putting them in danger.. I just felt bad that they were stuck in town during the holidays because of me, every place in town was booked. I have.. I had a spare room. I was trying to make it up to them. Turns out they were good luck for me, in the end.” Lapis sighed, setting down her jello cup and pushing the tray away.

“You uh.. You couldn’t have known.” Pearl offered up the consolation weakly. She was trying to think of what to say, what to do to shift the direction of this conversation. Her gaze hit the floor and she remembered her bag. Pearl pulled the keyboard out of it and extended it to Lapis, “Steven told me to bring you this.”

Lapis took it carefully, setting it in her lap and sitting up properly as soon as she set her finger on one of the keys after if it was instinct. She pressed down and tilted her head, hitting the key again. Then her fingers ran across it, tapping out a melody so quickly Pearl’s jaw dropped.

“It’s surprisingly smooth.” Lapis said, turning to look at Pearl then grinning at her expression, “What? Did I impress you so easily?”

“I just didn’t expect it to be able to sound like that.” Pearl rebuffed, “It’s so small it seems like a toy. Greg got it for Steven to play on the go.”

“You should give it a go.” Lapis began to pass it to Pearl, “You can play, right? I saw that piano in your house. It’s too old to just be for Steven.”

Pearl grabbed it to stop it from hanging there, “My grandmother taught me how to, but I haven’t played in years.”

“I won’t judge you too harshly then. I’ll close the door and we can-” Lapis paused and looked down at herself, at the tube keeping her in place, then to her hands. She fell silent and Pearl realized that she’d only seen that excitable side of Lapis once when she wanted to go down to the beach. It was there and gone so suddenly.

Pearl stood up, going over and closing the door. She walked back and sat down again, leaning in a bit, “We can what?”

“Nothing, nevermind,” Lapis mumbled, rubbed her skin next to the IV.

Pearl looked down at her hands. How could she fix this, or at least mitigate it? She looked at the keyboard. It felt a bit uncomfortable to set her hands on the keys. It really had been a long time.

She could see the surprise on Lapis’s face as she began to play slowly.

Pearl was really rusty, trying to remember which key was next, trying to steady her hands. She wasn’t ever a pro player or anything, it was always just a hobby. At first, it was something her grandmother made her do, then it was a reason for her and Rose to hang out outside of the church.

Lapis leaned back, watching Pearl with a calm glaze while she played her slow, soft melody. They watched each other. Pearl was waiting for Lapis to say something, or for something bad to happen. It didn’t.

Pearl thought she could see a smile at the edges of Lapis’s lips. She extended the song.


	6. A Bad Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments, everyone! I really enjoy reading them, especially when I feel discouraged about writing fanfic. Thanks for all the kudos and bookmarks as well! As always, make sure to check the tags.

"So, where is your family?"

Lapis flinched, groaning as she felt the deck of cards she was attempting to shuffle slap against her chest and face in a flurry of shifting wind and paper, crumbling to her lap. Pearl reminded Lapis of a double-edged sword. Lapis would think she was getting more skilled at these conversations with her, but then Pearl's words would cut her.

"Disneyland." Lapis rolled her eyes, "Dad bailed, mom died, no siblings."

"O-Oh."

Lapis scowled as she picked up the cards along her bed and Pearl began to pick up the few that had fallen to the ground.

Pearl won't stop visiting. Every single day, without fail. She brings puzzles and cards and when Lapis is extra pissy Pearl plays the keyboard for her. She plays different songs but Lapis always wants her to play the same one, one that she's never heard anywhere else.

Lapis has been trying to figure out how to end it for Pearl, who said it was an old song she never finished. Lapis thinks it's a love song, she practices it after Pearl leaves, until the nurses tell her to quiet down, trying to find those last notes.

Lapis attempts to keep Pearl busy when they're not playing a game or the keyboard. If she can keep her visitor engaged with simple things then Pearl can't ask the invasive questions she's always so eager to dig into.

"Me too. I mean, not exactly. My mom died too, when I was born. My dad wasn't in the picture much, my grandparents didn't care for him." Pearl handed Lapis the cards, "When I was fourteen he got married and made a new family."

Lapis nodded her head, shuffling the deck and dealing Pearl her cards, "Everyone gets their own hand."

Pearl scoffed, but she still smiled and Lapis liked that, "You are terrible and your jokes are worse."

"Yeah, that's what all the beautiful women tell me."

"How did you manage to get your wife then?" Pearl had unknowingly drawn her blade again.

Lapis's brain flooded with memories, head lowering as they flashed through her thoughts like a movie. They were so young, so desperate to succeed, they were always fighting against something. When had they started fighting each other?

She could hear Pearl saying her name and she knew that she was taking too long to answer, but it was a loaded question. Lapis stroked the finger her wedding band used to dig into and looked back up at a worried Pearl.

"I was the best, as strong in my skills as she was in hers. We could match each other in ways other people couldn't. Maybe it was passion, or we mistook it for that. We definitely mistook whatever it was for love." Lapis shrugged, then placed her first card on the tray between them, "Your turn."

Pearl's brow was knitting together in a fashion that Lapis thought would surely give her a headache before she placed her card and their game started.

"She needed someone to be there for her, I needed someone to believe in. It felt good to be needed by her, I felt such a strong desire to give her everything, make her happy." Pearl divulged, organizing her cards while Lapis placed the next one.

"Sounds all-consuming." Lapis cursed under her breath as Pearl matched her card's value, she didn't have one that could beat it. She slid the stack they had going towards her opponent and drew another card.

"I was young and in love." Pearl chuckled, adding her winnings to her hand, "First love isn't typically the healthiest. We made a mess of it, lots of mistakes. I couldn't stop loving her though."

Lapis just nodded to end this exchange and they focused on the game for a few minutes, but when Lapis won the next stack Pearl struck again, "I'm guessing your ex was your first love too, right?"

Lapis narrowed her eyes at Pearl who was innocently shuffling her cards, seemingly unaware as always of the verbal sparring of information between them. Maybe she was, Lapis couldn't be sure. Maybe Lapis was simply being paranoid and imaging things. It wasn't entirely unlikely, it's not like she hadn't been overly cautious of everyone around her. At least Pearl felt like a rival, rather than Lapis' interaction with doctors where she felt like a rat trying to avoid the traps they so carefully baited. The hospital staff was nosey, they wanted to know what happened and they'd just love for her to talk to the police if they knew.

"Lapis?" Pearl was trying to pull Lapis out of her thoughts again, this time with a hand reaching out. 

Lapis's own hand jerked forward, dropping her cards everywhere to grab Pearl's, her brown thumb pressing into that slender white palm with fingers wrapping around her wrist. Her grip was too tight, she realized it as her mind raced to think how small those bones were, how easy it was to break bones like that, it was as if she could hear them snap the moment it came to her mind. Lapis was letting go, she was, her fingers released entirely, but Pearl shifted her hand into Lapis'. Skin grazing skin until they were palm to palm, thumb to thumb, long white fingers curling and resting over the back of her hand. 

Lapis felt frozen and Pearl was just staring and the expression on Pearl's face was so confusing. Lapis could swear she felt her heart hammer against her ribcage and her breath get caught in her throat.

"Pearl..?" She nearly whispered it.

It was tender for a moment, she swore it was, but then she felt the anxiety spiking up in her lower spine and the back of her neck so Lapis spoke her name more urgently this time, "Pearl!"

"Sorry!" Pearl pulled her hand away, clutching it against her chest, "G-Goodness, I uh.. I.. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I have to go, I'm so sorry!"

She grabbed her coat and left like she was fleeing, Lapis said nothing to stop her. She sat in her hospital bed and stared down at her hands, her chest felt tight. Lapis grit her teeth and her face scrunched up in frustration.

Maybe it was five minutes, maybe it was an hour, the nurse came in with a syringe to give Lapis her medication, grabbing her arm and administering it carefully.

"I wish you would all stop touching me." Lapis had said it before she could even bother to try to stop it from coming out of her mouth.

"Are you experiencing that much pain? It shouldn't hurt, does it?" The nurse asked her, letting go of her arm when he finished then going to check her chart.

Lapis sighed, not wanting to explain herself, "It's not that. It's not pain like that."

"Well you're in the clear to be out of here tomorrow so we won't be prodding at you anymore." He replied, heading out of the room, "You'll be free soon, so try not to let it get to you."

Lapis looked back down at her hands. She was beginning to wonder what free could mean now. She started picking up the cards she'd dropped all over herself when she grabbed Pearl's hand.

She'd felt powerful in the moment, she felt like she was in control, but then she'd gotten those horrible thoughts and that feeling of power weakened with her grip. Lapis felt the discomfort wash over her again thinking of Pearl's fingers against her hand. Her chest felt tight, her face hot as tears tried to build up in her eyes.

It wasn't supposed to feel like this. People touching her and helping her was not supposed to feel terrifying or enraging. Her throat burned as the tears started to creep down. She clumsily pushed the cards back in the box as her vision became watery.

Lapis didn't want to cry. It was yet another thing out of her control, another reminder of how powerless she was. So she tried not to, taking deep breaths and dabbing at her eyes with the bedsheets.

She felt unsteady as she reached for the bag Pearl left there. It was filled with her clothes for tomorrow, the keyboard that made her heart ache when she accidentally hit a key, and then at the very bottom laid her cellphone. It was a bad idea, wasn't it?

Lapis dialed the familiar number, chewing on the inside of her cheek as she listened to the dial tone, her hands trembling a bit as the tears welled up again. This was a bad idea, it really was. But she couldn't stop herself from feeling like she needed it, part of her felt the pain of longing at every ring that passed. Then she heard the line pick up.

"Lapis? Lapis! Where are you?! Are you okay?!" The nasally voice on the other end of the phone was yelling, but the comfort of hearing her was exactly what Lapis had wanted. A tear fell down and Lapis cleared her throat while she thought of which question she would rather answer.

"I'm on the east coast, I'm staying with a.. I'm staying with someone. I-"

"How could you just leave?! I went to your house looking for you! Th-There was blood everywhere.. You wouldn't pick up your phone! I tried to call Jasper but all I could get is her assistant saying she's in Alaska!"

Lapis's stomach turned, she gripped onto her leg under the blankets, squeezing hard enough to bruise.

"Lapis please say something! Tell me what's going on!"

"I.. I was attacked. I had to leave, Per. I had to. I couldn't stay there." Lapis swallowed a hiccup, dragging the fingers of her right hand against her eyes to get rid of more tears.

"You should have called. Lapis I've been so scared, I thought you were dead somewhere! You have to tell me where you are. I'm coming." Period's voice took on a strict tone at the end as if this was non-negotiable.

Lapis tried anyway, "Peridot you can't just take off, your job-"

"I'm going to you!"

Lapis bit her lip then sighed and gave Peridot the details on how to get there, "I'll be out of the hospital tomorrow afternoon-"

"The hospital?! I'm going to the airport right now." She could hear Peridot rushing around, Pumpkin barking when she'd yell. Lapis wanted to object, to tell Peridot not to come, but she couldn't make herself do it.

She settled instead on, "That's ridiculous Per, you can't just drop everything and get on a plane across the country."

"I'll be there before you leave the hospital, I just booked the flight. I have to go pack my bag. Don't disappear before I get there." Peridot was being stern as she was every time Lapis's unreliability bothered her, but Lapis could hear the fear behind it.

She really did feel bad about how terrified she must have made Peridot. It was her fault and she couldn't fix what she'd done, or rather what she had neglected to do. All she could do was promise Peridot that she would be there, say goodbye, hang up the phone, and cry silently while her body shook until her emotions dulled.

In this numb space she thought of Pearl's hands, her fingers, and the strange look on her face. Their hands grabbing the other's. Lapis wondered what it would feel like without the fear. What would it have felt like if she didn't feel like someone was going to hurt her every time they touched her?

What was she going to do if this was how the rest of her life was going to be? The thought caused a surge of anger strong enough to grit her teeth and turn her hands to fists.

Was it not enough? The cuts and the bruises? Those public examples of how weak she was, how capable she was of being broken. Scars that might never go away, visible every time she looked in the mirror, those weren't enough?

The memories of that night, of all the pain of receiving those injuries, of the panic and the terror, they were not enough? Her home destroyed, that flimsy safety gone forever, enough to make her flee the place she had made her own and it was still not enough!

Lapis could feel her body shaking, her jaw hurt from gritting her teeth so hard, her knuckles were turning discolored from being clenched.

It wasn't enough! It had to take over her dreams, take over her mind, take over her interactions with every person!

It wasn't enough and Lapis realized then that the night of the attack she herself hadn't done enough either. Trying to escape? Self-defense? Those things weren't good enough. She knew what she should have done, what she could have done while she had the chance.

Lapis should have killed her.


End file.
